I don’t think I can keep living like this anymore, every day I fight so hard to just be numb. To try and wash away what im feeling inside. I feel more alone now than ever, the people ive always had close to me are drifting away, finding people to spend happier times with. Last night on my was home from his house I wanted nothing more than to just run my car off the road and end it all. He wasent even there yet the memories of the times we spent there came flooding back. Even the familiar smell had me thinking of the times we would spend laying on the couch together while watching tv or wrestling and goofing around on the floor.
I keep telling myself that I need to get over him, that he probably dosent even think about me anymore even though he is constantly in my thoughts. Everyone else is going out in dates and having a good time but I just cant seem to make myself do that same. Every guy I talk to I look for something in them that remind me of him. They ask for me to come hang out or go out on a date and I keep finding myself making excuses why I cant. Any time I even think about being with someone else it makes me sick. I cant stand the thought of another pair of hands touching me, or another pair of lips against mine. They talk about sex and all I can think about is nights we spent together and how much I just want that back.
He knew me, or at least I like to think he did. Things weren’t just about sex with us, we were happy just spending time doing simple things like going to his parents house for lunch. I miss his family almost as much as I miss him. I just want to be a part of something again, to be accepted for who I am. I keep thinking about what I could have done to make him change his mind. He was so into it when we first got together and it kills me that we don’t have that anymore. I want to talk to him and be near him but I just cant stand the pain of having him close. I see a new picture of him, smiling and having a good time and it almost brings me to tears. I just want to share that with him again more than anything.
I cant help but think of ways I could get him back. That maybe if I loose the weight and go into the military he’ll see that I am doing something with my life and that ill be good enough for him again. That maybe he wont find someone else and we’ll have another chance. GOD ALL I WANT IS ONE MORE CHANCE! I prayed for god to bring someone into my life that would care about me and that I could love and he gave me him, I guess he has a sick sense of humor to take him away from me like this. So I guess all I can do now is start praying again and that god will show a little mercy and bring him back to me, because I know im not going to be able to do it alone.